Good Grief

Today is one of those days where I laid on the floor and cried my eyes out along with the babies. Let me preface this by saying that I love my babies dearly, would do anything for them, and I KNOW we are so blessed to have three healthy, beautiful babies; sometimes it just doesn't feel like a blessing.It all started last night. I went to a parent education class at Evergreen Hospital called "Starting Solids" since we are nearing that age where we will be doing that. The class was filled with parents (notice I say 'parents' meaning both parents were there) and their babies. I had not realized it was a BYOB type of class, not that I would have brought all three of mine anyways. This was the first time I had been around lots of babies who are roughly the same age as mine; they ranged from 4 1/2 months to 6 months. Now I KNOW better than to compare my babies to others and to compare my situation to others', but as I kept looking around the room I felt jealous, like a failure, and I grieved the fact that I cannot just go with the flow, take my baby where I want to when I want to, that I can't sit and hold my baby all day long to keep them from fussing. The other babies seemed so much more advanced than mine and all of them sat there quietly for 2 hours without fussing at all! Mine would never do that!

The instructor kept emphasizing that learning to eat solids is a fun learning process for parents and babies. It should be stress-free and driven by baby's wants and desires. I kept thinking, that's not how it works in a house with multiples! Everything here is stressful and there's no way I can keep up with three sets of wants and desires. I was completely overwhelmed by everything and everyone in the room and I sat there fighting back tears the whole time. A few other moms could tell I was in distress and at break time came over, introduced themselves and told me that they all go to the parent/baby class once a week at the hospital. They urged me to come, saying that it was an excellent support system and lots of fun. That made me want to cry too. I can't take 3 babies out alone and the class falls right during their morning nap time and one of their feeding times. When you have multiples, you don't mess with the schedule unless you want to pay the price the rest of the day. Dealing with 3 fussing, cranky babies is a whole different thing than dealing with just one fussing, cranky baby.

I can't help but think how different life would be if I had had these three babies separately and not all at once. It really sucks not being able to give each one of my children the one-on-one attention they want and deserve. Would they fuss less? Would they be more developmentally mature? I know I am doing the best I can and my situation is way different than most people's, but sometimes it just gets to be too overwhelming and today is just one of those days.